This Tangled Web
by i-worthington
Summary: An epic Harry Potter story. A tale of lies, deceit, and unexpected triumph, centering around Harry and Severus.


_**PROLOGUE**_

_"I want a cookie," Voldemort said sadly._

_"Well you can't have a cookie," said James and Lily Potter at once, holding their plate of cookies just out of his reach._

_"Wash my dishes, woman!" Voldemort shouted._

_"I will not wash your dishes. You do them yourselves, Lord Voldemort," Said Lily Potter sternly. And James Potter nodded and agreed._

_"Yeah, you do them yourselves, Lord Voldemort."_

_"Hey is that my bicycle?" Lord Voldemort asked._

_James and Lily Potter looked at each other and snickered._

_"No it's ours!" Yelled they, though they knew it was the Dark Lords and they'd just painted it yellow._

_And so they defied the Dark Lord three times, and the saga of Harry Potter began._

**PART ONE**

Voldemort called all his Dead Eaters to a meeting because he wanted to perpetuate the Valentine's Day Massacre. His Dead Eaters include: Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape (who wasn't really a bad guy), Professor Fake Moody, and Hermione's Parents, Mrs. And Mr. Granger.

"Dead Eaters!" Voldemort shrieked. "We are gonna do some bad stuff this year!"

"YAY!" they yelled in happiness.

"I have formed a terrible plot," Voldemort enunciated gladly. "… Wherein we will all team up to destroy Hogwarts!"

"But what is this plot?" Asked a feminine voice.

"Glad you asked, Professor Snape!" Voldemort shouted. "The plot is: we are gonna adopt Harry Potter. We need to go to his home and get some robes, and duct tape, and a machine gun and adopt him by force. After the Valentine's Day Massacre wherein we will spread mean leaflets that mock Dumbledore and his friends to make them cry."

Snape listened to it all looking very angry (at Dumbledore) and happy (at Voldemort) but really he was very sad. He walked back to Hogwarts with his head down in sadness, but up in glee in case anyone saw him and said "he's not happy with doing the Valentine's Day Massacre" and realized he was actually a good guy.

Snape was upset over learning of all the badness Voldemort was calculating forth. So in fury, he saw Ronald Weasley and said, "Mr. Weasley five points from Hufflepuff. And Ms. Granger, fifteen points from Slytherin!"

He was even more upset when, emerging from the Gryffindor common room, came Sirius Black.

"Black! Why are you still living!" Snape wailed.

TO BE CONTINUED…

**PART TWO**

"It wasn't my time so I came back to life," Sirus explained gently. "And I had to tell Harry a terrible truth from beyond the grave."

"Hi, Sirius! You're alive! What the terrible truth from beyond the grave do you want to tell me?" Harry asked cheerfully, giving Sirius a pat on the back because he felt so joyful over his godfather being alive.

"The truth is-- you scar is not from Voldemort," Sirius said happily. "Your real father-- James-- beat you up when you were just a baby, so the scar is really a product of domestic abuse."

"Oh, how shocking!" Harry cried.

"It is indeed apalling," Sirius agreed. "So what's new with you?"

"I am an animagus now just like you, Godfather," Harry replied.

"Really what is your animagus form?"

"I turn into Dumbledore!"

"Kewl. I am a dog."

"I know, Sirius, cause I've seen it like ten hundred times."

"Hardy har har." Sirius said. This was his way of laughing. "So shall we go back home now? I am now living with the Dursleys just like you are, Harry."

TO BE CONTINUED…

**PART THREE**

Harry and Sirius walked back to the Dursleys. Vernon Dursley was no longer filled with unbridled hatred towards wizardkind because Remus Lupin had fixed his VCR.

_"VCRus workus againus!"_ Screamed Lupin with a vibrant flash of lightning from his wand, and the VCR spat out the tape jammed brutally, callously, and fiendishly in its depths.

Vernon clapped uproariously and offered his house as headquarters for the Order of Phoenix. Now Harry said, "Hi, Minerva and Poppy!" and McGonagall and Pomfrey smiled where they sat chatting with Petunia Dursley.

"Hello Harry. We are in the midst of serious proceedings."

Harry realized he had to be quieter then, because they were in the midst of serious proceedings, so he turned to Lupin. "You know, I find confusing this juxtaposition of the Dursleys and my Hogwarts acquaintances. It addles my mind and reminds me very clearly of the day I was struck by a brutal fist that I mistook for a killing curse. Wouldn't you agree?" he mouthed.

"Thou art loquacious, my pedantic young friend," Lupin mouthed back.

Shocked, Harry retreated. He was not pleased as a peach at Lupin's cruel insult.

But he was even more shocked when suddenly in walked Mr. And Mrs. Granger!

TO BE CONTINUED…

**PART FOUR**

"DEAD EATERS!" Harry screamed. " DEAD EATERS IN HEADQUARTERS/THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE!"

"No, no, calm down Harry," said Sirius, laughing jollily. Hardy har har. "See, they're spies for Dumbledore."

"Oh thank God."

"Hey we have news!" cried Mr. And Mrs. Granger.

Yet they were interrupted when in walked Professor Fake Moody.

"DEAD EATER!" Harry screamed. "DEAD EATER IN HEADQUARTERS/THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE!"

"No, no, calm down Harry," said McGonagall, chuckling merrily. "See, he's a spy for Dumbledore."

"Oh thank God."

"Hey, I have news," said Professor Fake Moody.

But before he could speak, in walked Lucius Malfoy.

"DEAD EATER!" Harry screamed. "DEAD EATER IN HEADQUARTERS/THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE!"

"No, no, calm down Harry," said Madame Pomfrey, chuckling. "See, he's a spy for Dumbledore."

"Oh." Harry said. He didn't thank God this time because in the interim he'd converted to atheism.

"I have news," Lucius announced.

Before he could speak, Voldemort walked in.

"VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT IN HEADQUARTERS/THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE!" Harry screamed.

"Relax, Harry," Voldemort said in a jolly tone. "I'm a spy. For Dumbledore."

"WTF?"

"I have news."

Harry felt slightly weirded out as all the Dead Eaters crowded around the table to say their news.

"The Dead Eaters are about to perpetuate the Valentine's Day Massacre," Voldemort informed them sadly. "Wherein they will spread terrible leaflets mocking Dumbledore and his friends."

Gasps were heard all around the table.

"Yes, it's true!" cried Snape in affirmation.

"So, how do we stop them?" Harry asked, as Sirius Hardy Har Har'd.

"Well, Draco Malfoy is a horrible fiend, but I bet we can stop him," Dumbledore said.

"I'm glad, Albus," Harry said.

"But we have a new source of information on young Draco," said Dumbledore. "His boyfriend …"

Harry gasped at the boy who stepped forward.

"DUDLEY?"

TO BE CONTINUED…

**PART FIVE**

"Dudley? You're dating Draco?"

Dudley shrugged his large shoulders. "Yup."

"They volunteer at the same soup kitchen," Dumbledore explained.

"He dropped a skillet on my head and accidentally broke my neck," Dudley explained. "We've been dating ever since."

"You shouldn't be walking around with a broken neck," Harry said reprovingly. "Poppy, tell him!"

Madame Pomfrey smiled benignly at the sixth-year. "It's fine, Harry. If he's not paralyzed, a neck-break is really a very minor injury."

"Oh well. I don't really care. You're an asshole, anyway," Harry said coldly.

He felt strangely out of sorts knowing Draco and Dudley were dating. It seemed the Dursleys were encroaching on all aspects of his life now. Petunia was teaching Care of Magical Creatuers at Hogwarts and Vernon's house was headquarters. Aunt Marge was tested, and turned out to be a witch who could do many magical things. All in all, the Dursleys were really impeding on his territory.

Really, his life had gone to shit lately. Draco had gotten glasses, and suddenly he was a much better Quidditch player than Harry. Apparently he'd only sucked because he couldn't see the snitch! And then Hermione had told Harry it would be a marvelous idea to form a magical bond with a skunk so he could emit a terrible stench whenever threatened. As long as he was healthy the skunk was healthy, and the skunk would die when he died. She neglected to tell him before the bond that he would also die when the skunk died, so he only had three years left to live. Worst of all! Crabbe and Goyle had informed him that they were third cousins, so now Harry was living under the burden of knowing somewhere a few hundred years ago they shared a common ancestor.

All in all, life sucked.

"I have a confession," said Dumbledore. "I am an alcoholic. And Santa Claus."

Everyone gasped!

**THE END**


End file.
